Hammersmith Palais

One of the regulars is this wonderful woman originally from Isleworth who was telling me once about Hammersmith Palais where she met her husband. I saw her today and mentioned Hammersmith Palais. She said that "you the only perisher who knows where I'm from. I've never been called a perisher before. I'd post this as Hammersmith Palais gets a mention as does Wee Willy Harris.

 Man does big shop with 2 year old happy and contented. "What's her name" "Ruby", he says. "Ah so she's a Ruby Tuesday", I respond.

 I have engaging chat with woman about Radio 2. She likes Jonathan Ross as well as the Irish replacement. She does not like Paul O Grady, who I think is very good. Strange tastes some people. I tell her 7 year old son that one of the trolley lockers is a portal to Narnia

It is slow on till 3 and the ever engaging Tom on till 1 and I swop banter about how we can get customers to our tills as we are at the far end of the store. I suggest to Tom that we adopt the manner of fairground barkers. "Roll on up and see the bearded lady". A customer unkindly suggests that she is on Till 8 and as for the Boneless Wonder!

A man questions me on the effectiveness of an electric iron he has just purchased. I tell him to follow the instruction especially the one about not wearing a shirt when ironing it can cause burns

On a not very clear day you can see Crewe

I have a week off and so we went for a walk up to the Cloud above Congleton. Its about 800 feet high. The view was not very clear. Crewe was visible and that was about it and no distant views of the Welsh mountains. On a very clear day you should be able to see well into the Clwydian Hills and Liverpool and in the other direction Manchester and Winter Hill. Alderley Edge could be seen just to the right. Some one told me that on a June day in 1996 they were on the ridge looking towards Manchester when they saw a very odd multi rainbow effect above the city. They were witnessing the IRA bombs being detonated in Manchester and the strange view was down to the light being reflected in the millions of shards of glass.

We met up with a friend Simon Daniels and we spoke of a walk up to Morridge one winters day. We passed a line of washing on which was a pair of very large bloomers which Simon described as belly smackers. They reminded him of his grand mother who used to go to the same knicker man on a stall at Longton Market for years

The wind and the sun

I had a very abrasive woman at the till who was ordering me around as if I was a serf. generally and I realise that there is an element of generalisation about this the most up tight lot are those from the south of England. As a rule of thumb the most chatty are the furthest north and south of the London area. I was chatting to an elderly woman who used to work in a shop in Kent who rather confirmed my view.

I later told a woman the Aesop Fable of the Wind and the Sun. In my experience you get the best out of people by simple things like eye contact, a smile and engaging in pleasantries. I don't think its a hard trick to master

Woman from Hull. I once saw an article in a Manchester magazine about a Zombie film that had as a strap line when Hell is full than zombies will stalk the earth. Someone in the East Yorkshire place had substituted a U for an E in Hell. A friend told me that he had never seen poverty in the way that he saw poverty in Hull.

It was raining today and I was moved to burst into the song from Annie "The sun will come out tomorrow"

A paltry matter

Woman gets Les Mis DVD and has the hots for Hugh Jackman." But he would not give me a second glance"

Re the big funeral I thought I would write a piece on premature burial for the P and T especially in the light of the Rushton Spencer case and the lover who was buried alive by the deranged apothecary father.

Couple asked whether we sold balloons although I was unclear whether they wanted  party balloons or the R101.

Woman buys chicken breeder magazine and not cheap certainly not a paltry matter.

Woman from Mothers Union and is singing its praises in what it does in area of social policy- "We are not all Jam or Jerusalem"

Number of the beast

Big funeral in Leek today. Apparently the manager of a local football club. The side streets were packed around the Church. A shopper speculated that it was the biggest funeral in Leek with the possible exception of Steve Povey's a couple of years ago. I remember the coffin on the back of a horse and cart with a scout band playing the European theme " Ode to Joy". Ironic considering Steve was a UKIP member.

Told a bloke about the research I did in the William Salt Library on the emigrant to the States Isaac ball and the Oregon Trail. I have a notion of writing a quartet of accounts of emigrants in the 19th century from the Staffordshire Moorlands. I have Isaac bound for the States. I found a bloke transported to NSW in 1839 for stealing bacon from Upper Tean, two brothers who fought in the Second Sikh Wars 1848-9 and a judge born in Leek who was involved in the Ballarat Gold Fields. Should be interesting.

Man has a big rant about paying for plastic bags, we don't do it and I suspect he us getting us confused with Wales about 40 miles away.

Very wizened man possibly from the hills gets a bill for 6.66. I smell sulphur. I have always suspected the beast lives in Onecote

" I'm only a common old working chap"

Bloke at the till with fine Tam , It turned out to be from the Douglas Clan and he was not a Scot. I asked him whether he was a fan of Harry Lauder. He thought that Lauder would be before my time which indeed is but as I always say I know that I know that the Battle of Hastings was in 1066 without being there.

I gave a woman a little advice on Arabic. I always thought that Imshi was a good phrase to have particularly if you are wandering around a Souk. I found it can be hard work wandering around an Arab market. The Arab shop keeper I spoke to in Tunis always prefered the Germans who tended to give in easily which does not sound very German.

A woman who heard my discourse on Arabic thought that I wasted on the till. She asked whether I knew any Cuban Spanish. She was going to the island as she did Cuban History and wanted to tred in the steps of Fidel.

Woman buys One Direction swap cards-- the horror.. the horror

Barbara Cartland

I was in conversation with a reader of the Telegraph and the subject of obituaries was raised which I think the Telegraph does very well. I certainly recall the one about Barbara Cartland which I thought very funny. The libidinous Major who invited the innocent Barbara into his bedroom to show her how his revolver worked. The pink elaborate construction of tulle and taffeta and the plastered make up and the proud boast  that in 1981 becoming the Achiever of the Year by the National  Home Furnishing Association of Colorado Spring.

A woman tells me that her company that is loosing workers there were 60 last year and now down to 7 they work in construction and the market is not reviving.

Another man a postal worker tells me that every day they try to undermine the terms and conditions of the workers. The pendulum of the power of trade unions stands opposite of where it was in the 70s and the view of us both that its swung far too much the other way.

Young woman with tee shirt with picture of Lugosi as Dracula. I did the impersonation " I do not drink wine" and the man look blankly at me. I sense no humour there

Shetland Pony

Women tells me that Gradbach Mill Youth Hostel is being sold. Its a nice location close to Ludschurch. I suppose that someone will but it as private house

Woman buys lots of bottles of vinegar and tells me that she is making up fly spray with vinegar, old tea and oil of citronella. She has several Shetland ponies which she believes are a much misunderstood equine. They are the strongest horse for their respective size. I tell her the story of Joe Derbyshire who used to be on Wigan CHC. I visited him in hospital shortly before he died. He told me that as a young boy he worked  with the pit ponies. During the 1921 strike the ponies were bought to the surface and lived in fields beside the pit. When the strike ended they were rounded up to go down the pit. Joe remembered the ponies whinnying in terror at the prospect of returning underground. Its a tale that has always lived with me

saw someone I used to work with at the Primary Care Trust we both thought that we were back where we were 20 years ago with GP Fundholding. Its just the stationery and the letter heads that change every now and then. Since the late 80s we calculate about 20 changes to the NHS

Pegasus Bridge 1944

The old man told me that he was approaching 90. I asked him about the war. he was in a Northern Ireland Regiment- the Royal Innishkillen Dragoon Guards and the Earl of Kildare was his commanding officer. he was in D Day and was near the Pegasus Bridge. He told me about how bitter he was in the way the country had turned out.

A woman behind him she was in her late 40s told me and the old man about her father who in the Parachute Regiment and took part in a battle in the Ardennes which took place in January 1945. Incidentally that was where my father was. In fact he was bombed by a ME 262. The woman was trying to put the history of her father;s war together. He had died in 2002.

The old man and the woman embraced. I felt that it was a rather touching incident

Mule Train

Couple buys tray and it immediately comes into my mind the antics of Bob Blackman on "Opportunity Knocks" banging his head and singing "Mule Train". I feel that if someone tried it on "Britain's got talent" I am sure it will go down well.

Daily Express had headlines on House Prices which does not have any bearing on the situation locally.

Man buys lots and lots of Haribo's. Bags and Bags of them. Was there not a footballer who named his kid Haribo because he liked the sound of it.

Man says " No cash back", "no stamps", "no vouchers", without me saying anything. How does he know what I intend to ask him? I decide to ask him "What's the capital of Papua, New Guinea"

I had that Leo Tolstoy at my till last night

I had that Leo Tolstoy at my till last night. He bought rye bread, salt and vodka. The big white beard was a giveaway. To quote Groucho Marx " don't point that thing at me it might go off".Still, I suppose, I ought to be honoured that the back from the dead Russian writer should want to use my till. Come to think of it some years back I had Samuel Beckett at the till although he was not a great talker. Great writers both, but not as good as Nastikoff

I am on the end till and it is night. The light reflects off my head and I conclude that they have me as a beacon to attract passing trade or warn passing ships

Three Polish families come through the tills one after another. Man with little English loses wallet and goes home returns still no wallet. Is panicking and unloads the rucksack. Turns it upside down and shakes. Wallet falls out. Huge look of relief on his face. I suggest that he has a swig of the cherry vodka that he has bought. He doesn't understand me.

Cucumber sandwiches

Woman buys Battenberg cake , cucumber and tin of salmon. Paaarty time I always think of cucumber in vinegar with salmon sandwiches with the Battenberg Cake. I ask the woman whether she has a butler serving the repast off a salver. there has to be a lawn and the mewing of a peacock in the distance as well. If only the woman replies.

A man asks me to check if I had any Olympic 50p pieces. I had no idea that we did them. But I did find two coins, one which had boxing on and the other cycling. You see there is a Olympic legacy after all

Woman has a small child been given a lift in a trolley. I ask whether she knew that we had a bogof offer on small children last week. The child in the trolley did remind me a bit of the scene in "Chitty, Chitty. Bang Bang with the child catcher played, I think, by Robert Helpmann.

I ask about the quality of Australian. Its pretty good I am assured and better than French wine. Its not so long ago that Aussie wine was mocked. I am thinking of the Monty Python sketch of Melbourne "Old and Yellow" and a wine that had qualities of being a "good hand to hand combat wine"

Hab SoSlI' Quch!

I saw the new Star Trek movie in the week. I was telling a customer what a poor film it was . It was loud, the dialogue was clunky and acting leaden although Benedict Cumberbatch was the best thing in it.?
 Couple were still going to see it anyway as the husband was a Treky. I gave them a salutation in Klington- a great insult " Your mother has a smooth forehead"

I told a customer that Phoebe engages me in theological discussion on God on the way to school. I am relaxed about this although she asked if there is only one God and one Jesus why are there so many churches? A friend likened religious books such as the Bible and the Koran to a old Betamax instruction manual as some what out of date but possibly had its uses at some point in the past.

Had a discussion about Yorkshire beer- I do like Taylors of Keithley as well as Sam Smiths of Tadcaster

I think people make assumptions about supermarket staff. Some months ago a bloke made a comment about "my education had got you where you were". I did think of saying that my Fellowship of All Souls was on reflection a bad thing. There are many interesting people that I work with including a bloke who used to be in the Merchant Navy and was a radio officer on ships going to Vietnam during the war.

No friends of the Generalissimo

Woman tells me that her family fled Spain after the end of the Civil War through Tangiers before he Father got to the UK. They were no friends of Franco. I don't think it would be hard. I used to know someone who went to a school in the Scottish Borders- it was a Christian Brothers one which had a tablet in the school chapel dedicated to those old boys of the school who had died fighting for Franco

Woman accidentally wearing a 3 for 2 sticker which she must have picked up. However I do not think that we will be getting involved in slavery.

I had a chat about the FWW and a couple told me that they visited a relative's grave who had been in on the Somme in 1916

Bend it like Len Shackleton

I hold on to a bottle gin for too long and the woman shopper wonders if I want the gin for myself. I say I am a reincarnated Kansas temperance movement circa 1890 and I recall the Mencken quote about Puritanism " the haunting fear that somebody, somewhere is enjoying themselves"

Had conversation with football supporter about past heroes. I said that I had gone into Sportswrite in Manchester about 1998 and asked for a new biography of Len Shackleton. Shackleton was regarded by my father as the greatest player he ever saw at the Victoria Ground. The bloke in the shop did not have a clue who Shackleton was. I wonder in 50 years time whether people will look blankly when Beckham's name is mentioned

 I cannot stand people with mobile phones who continue to talk into them when they are at the till. It makes me seem even more anonymous. I tend to bellow at them with requests for information. I sometimes wish that we had a Dalek on the express till because little contact is required. Also the Dalek could blast the more awkward customer

 The corporate logo amuse me usually on sweatshirts. The local Council has "Achieving Excellence" which rather sounds like the Montgomery Burns Award for outstanding achievements in the field of excellence. For pithiness and accuracy I don't believe Wolverhampton Grammer school can be beat with "We teach children".

Don't annoy a chameleon

Woman tells with obvious pride that her daughter has just won a place at a music college to study the flute. I wondered if she performs standing on one leg in the manner of the bloke out of Jethro Tull.

I am on baskets and it was unusually quiet. The people with very full trolleys cast cocker spaniel eyes at the till when I have no custom although people want a till for a quick shop with just a wire basket. I occasionally let a pensioner through with a trolley if there are only a few items in the trolley. I realise that displaying initiative in this manner is very un British.

People usually try to cram as much salad as they can into the "help your self" container". Its a veritable Vesuvius of coleslaw, mixed bean and mayo that flows over the edge. It can be very messy

I notice that the disposable nappies were on special offer at £6.66. I wonder if there are any children in the store named Damien

A man asks me to pack his bags as he lost a finger at an accident at work many years ago. The company that made wire were negligent. The union helped him to get sizable compensation. If it was not for Trade Unions where would we be.

Woman who works for a local vets. I ask her what is the most unusual pet she has worked on and she says a chameleon. They apparently go black when they get annoyed

Boudicca Redd

We were having a chat about characters. One of the regulars a Londoner from Acton was having a chat about London in the 70s when he lived in the capital and worked for London Transport. I know London well and we spoke of our favourite bits as well as characters. I liked Camden and used to visit the place a lot. He lived for a time in Spitalfields and mentioned Boudicca Redd- a local character in the East End. On the subject of eccentrics Lord Berners came into the conversation and his habit of painting doves different colours.

The next man was also a liker of London and said he used to drive a lorry down the AI before the motorway was built. He said he had seen some sights in the 60s. I was intrigued.

A rather short tempered Eastern European who was tutting and ramming her trolley into the legs of the elderly couple who were moving slowly out of her way. I would have thought she would be used to the principle of queueing given her age and nationality

Man buys a meat pie, 4 cans of Lager and a girly magazine. It looks like an afternoon in

Smithers release the hounds

News came through that unemployment is up again. The front page of the local newspaper headlines with local food bank opening. A woman tells me that she worked as a volunteer on one in Stoke and many of the people receiving the parcels were middle aged single men who had no family and were on benefits/long term unemployed. I know from experience how hard it is to get any sort of a job. To reduce many previously hard working people to a state of penury is evil and beneath contempt

Talked to a woman who was just opening a shop in the town. She was full of high hopes.

I have not made up my mind on Mrs Brown. It is funny but very crude. Still it makes me laugh which is more than Miranda does which is good proof

Man does not have money although a friend lends him some. I feel like wishing the release of the hounds

" I stand here without fear of contraception"

Dieulacres Abbey or at least the site of came into the conversation. It seems that it is not open to the public and the owners of the land do not like people around. I was told "Time Team" might do a dig but they dug the site of the Welsh border some time ago. I told the woman that I had written a piece on the Earl of Chester for the P and T

Man buys jammy dodgers and brown ale- an unusual diet

Young man who is studying to be an opera singer. He has a place at a music college. He tells me that he has quite a range and that he ;likes Bizet and wants to sing French opera. I ask him about his favourite singer. He likes Alfie Bow and I ask him whether he has heard of Dietrich Fischer Dieskau who I think the greatest interpreter of lieder around although he too had a range. Young man said he would check it out.

Situation Comedy gets talked about. I always get confused between Jimmy James and Jimmy Jewel. It was the later who worked with Hilda Baker on "Nearest and Dearest". Jewel was from Sheffield and was the cousin of Ben Warllis. In a cafe in town I had a conversation with someone who said he was Ben Warllis newsagent in Fleetwood. It seems that Jewel and Baker hated each other. I also mentioned  Les Dawson and told the joke to the customer about an impoverished childhood in Manchester with Dawson as a boy getting an empty box with the words " Action Man- the Deserter" on the side of the box. The man was a big Tommy Cooper fan

German Sniper

The elderly man told me that he had 6 boxes of paracetamol . I thought that he was describing a potential suicide bid but in reality he was actually telling me that he had hurt himself in a gardening accident. Initially I thought that he ought to be talking to the Samaritans and not to me a check out operator.

Bill Barnsfeather cartoons from the trenches was mentioned " If you know of a better hole go to it". I mentioned a friend of mine who years ago interviewed a veteran of the First world War. This man tried to get out of the trenches by attempting to catch pneumonia by jumping in the canal. he got out and was immediately pinned down by a sniper. He was shivering with the cold all night and eventually other British soldiers arrived and the German cleared off. The man still did not catch pneumonia.

I was given a lecture by a woman after I made a comment about climate change. It does not exist she said its all about air stream she said and nothing about climate change. Its a myth she concluded. I did not mention all the scientific evidence and the universal acceptance of most climatologists. Anyway the next woman agreed with the first as did the next bloke who all thought it was a lie. Later I served a couple one of which was an oceanologist and he was convinced by his work in the seas off South Africa

" Do I have a Malmo face"?

 

A man buys Garibaldi biscuits and I ask him whether he has always liked the revolutionary biscuit. You have your Bourbon, your Zapata and your Trotsky biscuit. The joke unfortunately goes over his head

A woman buys Sprouts. If she starts boiling them now they ought to be ready for Xmas I believe

The media is still full of Paula White's drunken rant on Radio Stoke. I listened to it and found it very funny. Let's Paaaarty as Paula would say

The machine goes and I am swiping card. I note the man is a Neilsen. He said he was Swedish. "Are you from Malmo", I ask as a pure guess. Yes he replies " Do I have a Malmo face"?, he says

Italian Cooking

I serve an Italian who turns out to be from Milan. I notice that he has purchased what was euphemistically called "opening medicine". Anyway it suggests to me that Italian is not all that healthy. I seem to recall that it was alleged that Italian food was the healthiest food in Europe and Finland was the unhealthiest. We may have to revise that

Woman with the badge of a deer. I think that its the White Hart and something to do with Richard II. It turned out that it was a Springbok and she was a South African. She said that she had seen Richard II in London once and the actor playing the King had berated kids for making a noise

Man tells me that his daughter is teaching English to the Uzbeks. If it continues all the locals will be fluent in Stoke dialect. The Muezzin calls "Cost kick a bow agin a wow"

" Here I stand I can do no other"

I notice that the fruit and veg comes from all over the place. The squash from Central America, the cherries from the US, the pears from Chile and beans from Morocco. It amazes me that we import apples in the early autumn when we have English apples. I talk to an old costermonger who tells they used to get all the fruit when he worked from the Vale of Evesham. Now everything has to be obtained now we no longer shop seasonally 

I notice that the Express has a headline that we should expect another terrible summer. How do they know?

Man has a classic car- an S type Jag that dates from the 60s. He shows it around the country at weekends. I imagine its an enjoyable hobby. We end up discussing East European Cars. he tells me that he has a friend with a Trabant which has more visitors than his Jag. It reminds me of the old joke about the Wartburg. "Why is it called the Luther"? Because Luther once said, "Here I stand I can do no other"

Like Old Camembert

Londoner at the till. He is not engaging with me and seeming that I am not there. I  decide on a bold ruse as I scan a French Cheese. " Did you know that Camembert features in two Cole Porter songs? " Well, did you ever" and "Your the Top". he looked at me as if I had said something odd. I don't think he knew who Cole Porter was.

Shortly afterwards an elderly couple buy alcohol and ask me to ask them whether they had proof of age. I humour them and ask them if they are over 18 ( In reality they are in there 80s). A line from a Gilbert and Sullivan pops into my head. "She may very well pass for 43 in the dusk with the light behind her". They like Gilbert and Sullivan as does the next shopper who is especially fond of "Mikado.

Woman buys 3 solar powered Meerkats who are wearing cravats. The Meerkats are made from fibre glass. I have never understood the appeal.

A couple knew someone I used to work with in the 80s. Walter who worked in Social Services was something of an attention seeker. He used to feign heart attacks. he would carefully collapse in a chair and palpitate going redder and redder. No one would take any notice and he would get up and wander off back to his office

" Have they never been to Salford?"

I was talking to a Newcastle United supporter about the origin of the word " Geordie". I had heard that it dates from the time of George I when a Jacobite Rebellion took place when the House of Stuart supporters who wanted James the Old Pretender crowned King lay siege to the city. The Mayor is alleged to have said that the locals were " All for Geordie"

Chatted to a local Labour party member about class and left wing  politics. To me its a division between guacamole and mushy peas and where you lie on this continuum

Woman tells me that she likes soaps. Its years since I saw Coronation Street but at least they had funny characters. I used to know  someone who was in an early episode. He played a Tram Driver which tells you how long ago it was. Tony was in it later in the 80s when he was a solicitor. He was very funny about the other characters especially Bet Lynch as well as the accents. He thought that they were all over the place- Oldham, Leeds, Wigan, etc. Anyway I said to the woman all the people in it now are all the beautiful people. There is not a paunch, gap tooth or bosted look about any of them. " Have they never been to Salford?

Man tells me that he sold a painting to the Princess Royal and was very pleased with it. I could have met Anne at least 3 times and managed to avoid meeting her at all

Fairy Ring

An old man stopped beside the till and was keen to chat to me. He was in his 80s and a former quarry man from Cauldon Low. He told me that a gypsy or a "roadster" had told him that he would live to a great age. The roadster wauldon and he was given some "chaise" by his mother and went on his way. We also mentioned the Fairy Ring at Cauldon and the old man said that he had a book on it but he had given the book to someone where the low was. It seems , I have read, that fairies are said to haunt the old Neolithic stone circles often called Lows, He told me that wanted a chat about ghosts which intrigued me.

We had a chat about favourite books the first man like American Crime especially set in New Orleans whilst the next person was keen on Bernard Cornwall books such as Sharpe and finally the third person liked Classic especially Jane Austen. I suggested George Eliot "Middlemarch"

Death to the French!

I always get people coming up to me and telling me ghost stories. Its because I write a weekly article in the paper called " Ghost writer". On this occasion the man tells me that he is driving through Clay lakes in Endon and has the strangest experience of smelling the over powering odour of TCP. He was thinking of his grand father at the time who used the stuff. Anyway that's what he told me.

Man obviously has a bee in his bonnet about the Royal Navy sharing facilities with the French Navy. He feels that we ought to destroy the French at harbour. A bit like Toulon in 1940 but then again we were at war and we did not want the French Navy falling into the hands of the Germans. I mention Nelson and his Copenhagen exploits. Man heartily approves and goes away singing the praises of Horatio.

Woman claims that she can communicate with her chickens.

During the shift news comes through of Wigan's famous victory against Man City. I am pleased as I lived in the area for 9 years. I think of Peter a Scot who was born in 1913 and was a long time supporter. He was a retired teacher and I used to drink with him and other old codgers in the Old Dog in Up Holland. Peter used to tell me of his war exploits with the Highland Light Infantry- he was mentioned in dispatches for bravery in Holland. He also had a great love of the diaries of Sam Pepys. He could quote large chunks of them when fortified with a glass of whisky. And of course he was a Latics fan. It always amused the way they would trek from one stand to another at half time at Springfield Park. I promised that I would raise a glass of whisky in his memory and hoping that he would be pleased wherever he is

Where wolf? There wolf!

I questioned the wisdom of a man buying rye bread. I recalled something I had read about an enzyme that was produced by damp rye which produced a substance rather like LSD which led to people tripping. Apparently  it has been suggested that these hallucinations in the Middle Ages caused the high numbers of religious visions- St Anthony of Padua etc. It is has been suggested that rye bread on the table of the crew on the Marie Celeste might have caused the visions that led to people jumping off the ship

Another couple staying in Consall and rather full of themselves. I asked whether anyone had mentioned the werewolves? I hope that unnerved them.

It always amuses me when I see Red Hot Dutch cheese. It suggests a disreputable film of the 1970s,

A woman outraged by the actions of the local Council arrived with an inflatable space hoppers and we both agreed that instead of petrol allowance local Councillors ought to be given a Space Hopper. Two results might occur one Councillors might see the area from a ground level especially the road works around the district and they would be recognisable in the town

Uncle Harry's last free coat

The guy who always talks about 70s bands was in the other day and talking about Pink Fairies a band I have never heard of. he mentioned the album  Uncle Harry's last free coat. " Not many people have heard of them now, mind you few had heard of them at the time" he remarked.

My daughter told me that a she had heard a news item that 50% of children could not tell the difference between cucumbers and courgettes. We have a problem here where years ago a young man training had never seen a courgette. I feel would have a vegetable identification chart in the same way that the Home Guard had German aircraft ID charts in WWII. I see the courgette as the Dornier of vegetables.

Woman buys carpet and I ask if its a magic one suggesting that she might want to go the Caribbean. She is a cold and wet climate person and hates heat. She went on a cruise to Norway and thought that the Norwegian crew were too drunken. Finland however would do all those lakes and forests and damp clime would be most agreeable. I said that I would ring Helsinki Airport so they can expect the carpet

Bobby Charlton had hair

Member  local school board of Governors was telling me about the interview he had taken part in. A female teacher was appointed. It does seem a pity to me that there are so few men in early years work. When I was a kid it was probably 50/50 but now very few men work in First schools.

Woman buys Rosemary and it set off in me a memory of a trip to Patmos where the cave where St John wrote the Revelations on the day was full of Rosemary. It was a wonderful smell but it did make you think "where's the roast lamb".

We were talking about conversations you over hear on public transport. I recall on a Wirral train a man say that he did not run after a thief on holiday who had stolen his wallet reasoning that the thief would use the card less than his girlfriend. On another occasion I over heard a Scouser talking to a friend about her sugar daddy that he was going to spend " £15,000 on me tits"

Chatted about Man United. years ago when I work for the Office for National Statistics I interviewed a man who had played for United although not in the first team. The man had showed me a picture taken in his mothers back in the summer of 1956 which showed a young Bobby Charlton with quiff, David Pegg and Tommy Taylor the later name dying in the Munich crash

Cream cake down

Talking about mayhem in the town. One Saturday night some years ago I walked through the town  and a large crowd were gathering as some people in Macclesfield were trapped in a local pub with people baying for blood outside. It was a a pitiful sight. What was memorable was a young girl plucking at the sleeve of her Father who was about 40 and trying to lead him away from the fray.

Woman organises the shopping neatly with the boxes arranged into something resembling a cityscape. She is obviously a frustrated architect.

We were discussing this lorry driver and I. he said that Glasgow was the best place he had ever driven around and London the worst. he did not think much of Italian drivers having seen the transport in Naples he may have a point. The worst driving I ever saw was on the M6 when an Asian family having missed the turn for the M62 reversed towards me at speed in an attempt to get on the east bound route

A woman packs too much on the belt and a cream cake falls to the floor. It is messy. The woman behind calls out "Cream Cake down"

Tea with Kenny

A  nice elderly gay man who chats with me told me another good story. He used to work for the NHS in London and had met with a number of personalities such as Tony Hancock and Spike Milligan " a lovely man". I keep telling him to write a book of his life. He told me that he had tea with Kenny Everett which must have been an experience.

Another celebrity story was of a man who knew someone went for a meal at a local restaurant and Robbie Williams and his mother where there. He asked people not to take pictures and paid for the meals of all the diners

I chat about Samphire which I think is delicious with lemon juice and butter. It impressed a French couple I once gave it to. If it impresses the French it must be good. Woman was so impressed that she thought that she might grow some on marsh land that she had

Yorkshire Rhubarb v Lancashire Tripe

News item that 1 in 10 4 year olds in Stoke cannot speak or use a toilet. Shameful- Its easy to blame the parents, but on the whole they deserve it from my observations

Goats milk a man buys a lot and it would be easier for him to buy a goat

Daily Express has an article about decent Britons. I am firmly in the camp of the indecent Britons if I am measured by what the Daily Express means by decent

Woman buys Yorkshire Rhubarb from Wakefield and Lancashire Tripe. A meal that combines both would test the skills of Ainsley I would think

Mount McKinley

It started when I admired her jumper. She had brought in Inverness and told me how much she liked scrambling( She was keen on the Lakes as well). I talked about the Cambridge University climbing hut at Buttermere and meeting AJP Taylor in the Trout in Buttermere one day in the 70s. I also mentioned the Roaches - a local climbing spot. I had done some rock climbing in my youth although I was not very good at it. My friend Greg was a far more accomplished climber than I. I had done a few climbs and she mentioned Valkerie which is a hard climb. I said the most annoying part was hearing the comments of people below when your climbing technique was not up to scratch especially if you used your knees. "That's a pint you owe me" someone said. 

Doug was mentioned better known as "Doug Lord of the Roaches a local worthy who was engaged in a running battle with local climbers. He was also known as "Eugene" because of a tendency of wanting to hit rope with an axe. Climbers retaliated by climbing on the route of his cottage and pissing down his chimney. Other climbers came into the conversation such as Don Whilans and the exchange with a German climber when the International climb on  Everest took place in 1970. The climbers listened to the result coming in from Leon in Mexico. England 2 West Germany 3 and the response "Ah Englishman we have beaten you at your national  sport. "That's nothing mate we beat you twice at your national sport" , Whilans responded " Once in 1918 and again 1945", The expedition broke up shortly after that.

 That led her talk about her husband who took part in a climb on Mount McKinley which nearly ended in tragedy after bad weather closed in and they were trapped for several days. It was close but no one died. Anyway a very interesting encounter

" Summer is my favourite day"

Woman gets to the till and gets confused about where to go. In the manner of Poltergeist I advice to walk to the light

A regular who is interested in saving the great apes. He sponsors a Gorilla project in Africa, he is very gloomy and tells me that there are only 90 Gorilla's left in that part of Rwanda. Rather depressing.

It is always heart warming to meet people who are volunteering to help in the community. I met a woman a few years ago who was doing a fund raising dinner for a cancer charity. She was a cheerful soul. As it happens I think this town has a vibrant volunteer community.

Floods and the increase of them locally was discussed. A woman who lives by the river has been flooded out twice in the last 15 years prior to this it was something that never happen. She was dreading a wet summer again

Kierkegaard gets a mention

Woman buys Cornish cheese and today is the Floral dance in Helston as well as Hal an Tow " jolly rumble o , we were up soon it was was the day-o, to welcome in the summer, to welcome in the day-o for summer is icuumen in and winter's gone away- o. Woman not impressed

News about Fergie resigning as manager of United. The only story I heard about him was when I worked in Manchester and a work colleague got married at a hotel in Wilmslow. Fergie was there and bought the wedding party a drink. I have always felt warm about him since hearing that story.

Boy with tee shirt with "killer robot run for your lives" on the front. I feel that about the self scan

Scots woman with Scandinavian crime novel by the same person who wrote "Smila feeling for snow". She likes crime novels but there are frequent mention of philosophers. Are there any Scandinavian philosophers? she asks. Where there is always Kierkegaard. Next time I promise to do a till seminar on existentialism

"As conspicuous as a tarantula on an angel cake"

Discuss school that daughter will be going to in the new year. It will be OK but she is bit nervous about bullying and fitting in.

Woman buys lots and lots of cream cakes for a raffle prize for a slimming club. It rather destroys the point I would have thought.

Woman asks me whether I ever get fed up asking the same question about offering to pack. For all I know I say you might be a company fink sent in to see whether we are asking what we are supposed to ask.

The next man who hears the exchange is great fun and we talk about Jack London Steinbeck and Raymond Chandler. He gave me a great phrase about a gangster wearing a loud tie " as conspicuous as a tarantula on an angel cake" I mentioned the PG Wodehouse " Ice began to form on her upper slope"

No time Toulouse

Woman saleswoman has a highly penetrating voice selling knives and giving away vegetable slicer. Hope she commits seppku in aisle to prove its "special sharpness"

 Customer who has taken advantage of lots of rolls for 9p as well as donuts and meat pies going for absurdly low prices. I wonder if he is going to have a party? If he is then the mice are not invited as he buys 5 mouse traps

 Woman works in local court. Some appalling people that she has to deal with. But if it wasn't for the riff raff I'd be out of a job" Suggest that "If it wasn't for the Riff Raff" would be excellent title for her autobiography

Last man very small and cross looking wears a straw hat and with a beard looks like a certain French artist. He buys lots of brandy several bottles and upbraids me for not giving him enough bags for him to pack the drink all he needed to do was ask. He has a foreign accent I think he is German. He is obviously in a hurry

Casting the Runes

Bill came to 19.73 are the 70s I say Sweet, Bowie, Roxy Music I say to the customer. We ought to have a Glam Rock revival. Customer wants to know where to get the glitter and spandex.

From Statins to arthritis  the Express must have a young readership

Bloke with Belgian Band tee shirt and who lived in Antwerp which in my opinion has much to commend it. I particularly recall the Railway station. I did say to couple that the inventor of the Saxophone Adolph Saxe  was from Belguim

Woman with tatoo which I originally thought was Celtic but its a Saxon Rune. Runes were an interest so I will be careful not to upset her.

I tell Dave Allen joke to couple about Irishmen running a pub that is failing " I am going to run a brothel", he say. Other man we are not selling any beer what makes you think that we will sell any broth?"

Slope

There was an organisation helping to pack bags. Sometimes I have had problems on one occasion a year or so one of the bag packers was making little digs at me. Today we had Obidiah Slope helping to pack. He was slightly sinister  I did read the organisation leaflet and it was clear that they were evangelical Christians and I got the impression that they were involved in the Work Program.

I wondered how he would react when I spoke to one customer who claims he had a ghost in his factory. I made some playful remark and the bag packer reacted in the way in which I thought he might

I did notice that one of the magazines I scanned had an article on Angels so 200 years of rationalism and the enlightenment was all worthwhile then

One woman had a problem with the ring pulls of the beer that she had brought she suspected a Health and Safety plot. In these situations I tend to deploy Occam's razor and think it was just a foul up

Whole Lotta Rosie

Man who was wearing army veterans badge. He was in the Catering Corps. " I killed a lot by my cooking" he tells me.

This town I agree with customer has more than its share of eccentrics. I particularly recall Sydney Smith who liked to collar a conversation, to use a PG Wodehouse quote. It seems that he kept someone talking for 4 hours when he had his mother outside waiting in a van.

Man with AC/DC tee shirt. I ask him why is he not wearing shorts and a satchel. He laughs

A rebours

Guy with rather fetching hat. he told me that he tried to buy it off an Australian- it was a Crocodile Dundee type hat- which he was living in the Canaries. The Aussie refused but on leaving left the hat in the hotel for the man to have. A nice story

I mention the feast scene in the Huysmans novel when he has a feast entirely comprising of black food. It was the sight of olives that bought on the recollection. In the book the aristocrat dines on olives, bread, wine, caviar and everything black. Man said he saw a dish with sqiud ink all over. It was not attractive

Man thought that the pice I did on Jack Williams who was a former teacher and early in his life a RAF pilot flying bombers. A very unassuming man

The next bloke thought that that I was the best writer in the Post and Times which was a nice thing to say

Brother Gorilla

Couple bought Traffic and The Hobbit DVD a strange combination of film viewing. Apparently the woman said it was a question on Pointless re Catherine Zeta Jones

Small boy always going to A and E says his Mum. I used to work with someone whose son always would get into scarpes like getting his head jammed into a coal bunker. It must be a boy thing

A sombre one. Woman wears a Help for Heroes badge. Her son in the Royal Marine Commandos was blown up by a bomb in Afghanistan. They took time to evacuate him as position was under heavy fire. Did not loose any limbs but internal organs suffer damage? He is training soldiers in weapon use but he wants to stay in the Royal Marines. Mother praised the British Legion as well.

 In a rather scary incident a man's bill comes to 666. He tells me that he is driving over the moors towards Buxton. That's it then, he will never be seen again. I ask him whether he wants holy water sprinkling over him before he sets off

Woman with the Times which has picture of a very splendid Gorilla. I would prefer this than a picture of Gwyneth Paltrow. " Are n't  I strange" she says

The net closes in

"Where's the Soreen? Doreen", I cheerfully say to a middle aged woman. "Its years since I recall that she says.  She thinks the name Doreen is set for a revival. I doubt it

Job losses headlined in the local newspaper. Man involved says that people from the Building Society have been offered work in Manchester. The cost of working in Manchester would be about £30/ 40 a day extra when you consider travel, rail fare, driving to station, parking. Is it economic? You have to wonder.

Newspapers full of pictures of Stuart Hall. All the icons of British Childrens TV of the 60s and 70s seem to have caught up in some form of scandal. I say that they will be after Zebedee next

We take all sorts here

Slightly confused after woman who loves the Spanish Strawberries that we sell says that she keeps the empty boxes for the Lions. Lions? Not the member of the cat family but the charity. The boxes are ideal for collections at events

Bag of All sorts is scanned. Years ago I knew a woman who claimed that she had a near death  experience. She died for a few minutes on an operating table. She had a vision of travelling up an escalator. At the top of the escalator was Bertie Basset welcoming other people . I asked what did he say " We take all sorts here"

Grumpy Scottish couple who looks as if they have been weaned on a pickle at one point he says " That's enough Rosemary". Not sure whether its a remark directed at the herb or her.

I tell a bloke that in the First World War the early British tanks were known as "Fray Bentos" for obvious reasons. Not sure how effective they were as they frequently broke down and the crew were gassed by carbon monoxide gas

Christ, there's two of them

Excitable small boy tells me something about a man and a knife. Its seems that we have a thief. Small boy wants to be a policeman and wants to shoot the thief. I presume that he wants to be a Brazilian Policeman

Does Bury produce the best black pudding? I don't know but shopper is convinced. It is so black that even the white bits are black.

A picture of Cheryl Cole on a magazine. I venture the opinion that she is not the best singer in Girls Aloud. I like the Irish girl and there is general agreement about this

Man ponders why is it that women never have card or money ready at the till. Its as if they don't think that they have to pay and only come to this conclusion when prompted. I recall watching a woman take minutes to open her purse. Everything seemed to be in slow motion like a Noh play

Couple with St Bernard. I ask about the Mike and Bernie Winters show which had the dog. When they were on the Empire at Glasgow a voice from the crowd shouted " Christ, there's two of them"

The Sun has got his hat on

Amazing how a little sunshine lifts the spirits. Several people remarked on how better they feel with a little sun on their backs and of course an increase in meat and beer for barbeques for the coming weekend

News of redundancies at the local building society. About 100 IT jobs are going. I saw a friend who is in her late 50s and is keen to go almost to the point of painting a roundel on herself. She tells me that she is in the redundancy pool. More like a Lido I suggest

Woman buys tomatoes which are green. She does so because they remind her of her fathers allotments and the smell. It is a Proustian recollection I feel is going on

Young man works for a local wildlife charity. He enjoys the work as he is teaching woodland crafts to teenagers and I am sure that its very gratifying

I quote the Henry Hall song " The sun has got his hat on to a middle aged woman. She thinks the very clipped way in which they spoke in the 1930s is what is required. More precise as she puts it. I agree with her I feel we ought to be more laconic in public discourse and I recall Clement Attlee's one word response about his plans for government. "No" he said to probing question from a deferential journalist

Eleanor

Smelled some Thyme that a customer had and suggested that she grow a knot garden which would be suitably Elizabethan I think

Young man worried about the growing use of plastic bags I suggested that we look at the idea of the Archbishop of York who thought that growing sisal as a cash crop might be an idea.

"Take a break" magazine had features on murder, mayhem and slaughter ideal reading for the laid back I thought

Bottle of Orveito wine. I visited Orveito once the cathedral, if I am right , was striped like a zebra. It was one of the key towns of the Etruscan

I spoke to a woman who lived on a social housing estate. There is nothing wrong about this although it gets a lot of flack . I lived on one for years and I spent some time during the election campaign on one. It was well managed, the housing stock  looked OK and it had excellent views over countryside. 

I mentioned that my daughter was on an outward bound course enjoying climbing, caving and toasting marsh mellows over a camp fire. The elderly, lovely woman from California said that as a girl she used to sleep in the Yosemite National Park on a camp bed with the canopy of stars above her head. One day the coyotes broke in and eat all the food something that is unlikely to happen to my daughter camping near Eccleshall. I praised Theodore Roosevelt and she said that she had met his wife. I thought that it was unlikely and on closer questioning it was Eleanor of who she was speaking wife of FDR. She came to her school in Santa Monica

Break on through to the other side

A customer who always talks about 60s groups mentioned the Doors the other day. I said that I knew someone who saw the Doors in LA in the 1960s. I also visited Morrison's grave in the Père Lachaise cemetery  in Paris in 1985. I was with a group of friends when we visited the cemetery. On our visit we saw the Oscar Wilde  grave modelled by Epstein (the penis had not been hacked off) Sarah Bernhardt, Sartre and others. Morrison is buried in a remote part of the graveyard. And directions were handily given by previous visitors who scrawled “This way to Jim”, “The way of the lizard” and “Break on through to the other side” on the sides of the 19^th century monumental tombs en route to the grave. When we got there there was a guard of “ heads” around the grave. There was a small bust of Morrison on the site where someone in felt pen had written “ do not write on Jim's face” on the right cheek of the bust. There were several other visitors to the grave. Unfortunately one of the heads asked a young American woman where she was from and she answered LA. This was the cue for the heads to do an impromptu performance of LA Woman as they sang and dances around the tomb of their hero.

Socrates was Belgian

I serve woman who tells me that she is off to a Buddhist retreat in the West Country for a week. I notice that she buys a bottle of whisky. Surely a higher state of consciousness and a large glass of Johnny Walker are incompatible? More likely to lead to unconsciousness I would have thought. I recall the character in "Fish called Wanda" who thought that Socrates was Belgian and the basic principle of |Buddhism was to get your retaliation in first perhaps that is where she gets it from.

Man does not understand the principle of "cash back". "What do you mean "cash back", he barks," Speak English. How long have we had cash back? Since the early 90s at least I would have thought. Then you could get cash back from a cheque. Still you hear of strange things. A woman complained that he eggs had mould on them. It turned out to be a feather

The Daily Express is at it again having as a headline evidence of some miracle cure. It is a dreadful newspaper. Why do people bother with it?