Conan the Ovarian

Couple buy a copy of Conan the Barbarian and shortly afterwards a box of eggs goes back, I open and examine the eggs. " I'm Conan the Ovarian", I say. I am pleased with myself and as good as philately gets you everywhere of earlier in the week.

I am very delighted to find out that one of my articles was used as a teaching aid on newspaper reporting in a school in Stoke. I believe that it was the one on the Ecton Copper Mine.

Discussed with couple who bought places to avoid. Iraq I would think as a holiday destination and I understand that Columbia is no Frinton and I guess that Burma is not a South East Asian Denmark. I have high hopes for Libya all that Mediterrainian coast line and great Roman remains. I gather Tripoli is an attractive city.

Man who works for a brick making company tells me that it employs 26 people when it used to employ 2,000. The bricks are very much in demand for projects in the South of England

If foodbanks are the answer, then its a funny bloody question being asked

Early on in the shift and the question of food banks came up and with the first customers there was evident disgust at the remorseless rise of the food bank as a modern day arm of social services. One woman said that it was the fault of people who " spent money on fags". I pointed out that many of the people using them were actually in work and with the price of food going up plus the costs of energy by about 12 % then its easy to see how people are running out of money to meet even the basics..

Chatted to a Policeman about the work and whether it gave him a jaundiced view of human nature. To his credit he said no. He had worked with Scouse colleagues who he deemed worse than the criminals. He also mentioned the program on Scunthorpe. Is this a fair representation of the poor? I am sure there are people on that estate who are trying to do the decent thing.

Woman who has done very well from dealing in stamps- it grew out of a hobby- it seems philately will get you everywhere.

Wimbledon is on us. I have little interest in it when I was at Wigan CHC the assistant used to fall mysteriously ill during the period of the tournament. Strange that?

My favourite customer we spoke about Zappa and he was a great fan of "Hot Rats". On a walking holiday one of my mates was obsessed with a Zappa track " Help I'm a rock". We walked past a loch and my mate would shout out as we passed a boat " Help I'm a boat, I" turning into a boat".

O death where is thy sting

Customer who buys Sentinel. He does not know why as it is very poor "value for money" on Saturdays with the pull out sections reduced to a few page inserts. I tell him that many of the articles are given freely and its an example of the "something for nothing" culture that for once is not attached to benefit claimants.

Glasgow chap intrigued that the new President of Iran lived in Glasgow in the 70s. We wondered if he had a "stoner" a deep fried kebab which incidently the local dialect word for an erection.

Scots woman from Caithness is voting no in the referendum or would if she was not living in Leek.

Woman enthuses about a holiday of a life time in China and lived a trip on the Yangtze " Yangtze O Yangtze O river of fish".

Discussed WC Fields and the story of man who died in a vat of whisky " O death where is they sting" Fields is supposed to have said.

Gene Krupa

Chatted to a bloke who said that he had a collection of 17th century pamphlets on the English Civil war. I am intrigued and I said that I would get in touch. Anyway we shall see.

Man works for JCB well he did until he was made redundant and re-employed via an agency on less pay and worse conditions. That figures.

Not a one for the soaps but obviously people are. the last time I saw a soap on a regular basis was the late 90s when Spider and Fred were in " Coronation St"

Earlier in the day I had taken P to school and they were playing Gene Krupa on the radio. We were in a line of traffic and I took the opportunity to mime drum playing which was all too much for my daughter who begged me to stop. Still I enjoyed it

My kinda town Louth is

Woman wearing " I love music" tee shirt. What I thought all music? Surely there must be some gaps. Apparently not, as she liked C and W. I tried a curved ball and asked her whether she like Jazz. "I play saxophone in a jazz quartet", she replied. So it was true she did like all music.

A man asks for a wine carrier. I tell him that you had to do a magic pass over the container in order to open which I duly did.

Tourist from Louth in Lincolnshire and she works for the company as a check out operator. It gave me the opportunity to compare notes. She did not like women teachers as customers. Invariably they think they are superior. She liked elderly couples from out lying villages and the fact that you could build a rapport with them. Rather followed my thinking.

She did say that they had an irate customer who hurled a Swede- vegetable rather than nationality- down the aisle. Perhaps its a Lincolnshire custom?

Bobbie Zee

Had great chat with young man who was Dylan nut and the question of the greatest Dylan album was raised predictably I went for "Blood on the Tracks" while he liked the early stuff especially John Wesley Hardin which led to a brief chat about " All along the Watchtower" and Hendrix, the greatest cover ever?.

I wonder why Rudyard's war memorial has a 1921 date on the bottom. Just for fun did they not tell the good people of Rudyard after November 1918. On a serious note I wonder if it takes in the War of Occupation in Russia or even Ireland.

I used to remember Theakston's Old Peculiar was called Yorkshire's Lunatic Broth and I wonder whether certain sensitivity has crepted in. Actually I like Masham the place where its brewed. I used to drink it in the De Grey Rooms in York which was the only place where you could get it. It certainly a very heady brew

Woman from Kirkcaldy. I mention Raith Rovers and Adam Smith evident pride when it came to Gordon Brown less pride and a certain amount of muttering.

The conversation about puns made me think of Jim who died in 2011 and the incident in a restaurant in Florence when Jim spying the understaffing, the coach load of Asians and the resultant chaos " Too many Indians and not enough chefs, he opined.

I don't associate Essex with Eagles

I once saw Tarantino at the Corner house in Manchester when they showed " Reservoir Dogs" around about 1993. That memory came to mind when a bloke got Quentin latest film  which I gather is good but violent. I am of an age that shrinks against violence in film, give me "High Society" and Bing  anyday.

Man on the cricket match he saw at the weekend in Leek Derbyshire Falcons against Essex Eagles. I for one do not associate Essex , once famously described by old man Steptoe as "flat as a witches tit", with the most majestic of all raptors. I do associate Essex with Ian Dury and  Billericay Dickie which I sang to the customer " A love affair with Nina, in the back of my Cortina, a seasoned up hyena could not have been more obscener, she took me to the cleaners and other misdemeanours". he begged me to stop because it might jeopardise my job. Under the circumstances Essex Blockheads would have been better.

I ask a woman whether she knows the difference between an Eccles Cake and a Chorley cake- its in the pastry.

I start to doze off and start using different techniques to keep awake although I recognise a check out operator dropping off does not have the same ramifications as a airline pilot

Leave it out Wolsey

Is life a bowl of cherries? Discuss

Chatted about the article I had written for the P and T on Premature burial in the light of the grave of Meakyn which I saw at Rushton Spencer. Some went away with a shudder.

Couple on canal boat very positive about the local canal system especially the Caldon which they visit regularly. They were not so keen on Froghall but I tell them of the copper manufacturing factory at Boltons and the telegraphy cable produced at Boltons in the 1850s which was the first cable laid across the Atlantic. I feel that more ought to be done to sell James Brindley in two years time when its the 300th anniversary of his birth.

I am told that Ray Winstone really is a diamond geezer. Man tells me that he met him when Stoke played West Ham last season and he was a man with no airs and graces and a good person to have around you. He has been in some great films, but I am not sure about Henry VIII. " Oy Maximilian Home Roman Emperor NO.

Never eat anything that glows in the dark

Woman told me that she was 83 soon. She had been born in the East End and had been evacuated to Congleton in 1939 and had not gone back. She had no trace of a London accent and had not gone back for years. I am sure that Bethnal Green is somewhat different from her child hood,

Skills, I suspect being able to open a plastic bag is fairly low down on the skills list but if combined with translating Medieval Latin and possibly bull jumping I think it might make you the complete man.

Asian man buys salt which he uses to kill weeds. I wonder what the tolerance plants have for salt probably quite high by the coast.

Woman with jar of piccalilli and I recall the sage advice of Peter Kay " Never eat anything that glows in the dark"

Farmer weather beaten but when he opens his mouth he has a very bad stutter. I have a great deal of sympathy for people in his position. It must be very frustrating.

Harvest of Death

On the way into the store I am stopped by a woman who read the article I had read on Robert Peel and told me that the Victorian PM was an ancestor. She enjoyed the piece.

Hairdresser rails at the way in which some people treat those that they regard as inferior. She calls it a "High and Mighty" attitude. I tell her about my experience and she tells me about her experiences.

Woman has an expertise in that she is a rat catcher or as she would have it a rat rescuer. Is it true that you are never more than 20 feet from them or is that a freemason, I get confused.

Person's son id writing a dissertation on American Civil war. he is at Lancaster. We are quiet and I have a good chat. He is particularly interested in the photography such as Matthew Brady. I think he rearranged some of the bodies to strike a more dramatic pose

On behalf of Planet Earth I thank you

" On behalf of Planet Earth I thank you" was my sally when a woman presented recyclable bags at the checkout. Its a line I have borrowed from Frasier. A program I recall with fondness as does the woman I direct the remark at.

Woman tells me she is involved in a constant battle of wills in order to get her kids to eat greens. One scheme was to puree spinach and tell the kids that it was " pea gravy". It worked.

Cheerful Australian tells me that he has to prepare a talk for the local WI on the settlement of Australia and I thought the original inhabitants got there 60,000 years ago and not 1788.

Local I know has a rather splendid  tee shirt with ways to dispose of a Zombie. I tell him of a poster in Hull which was defaced to change the word "Hell" to "Hull" so the film poster for " Night of the Living Dead" now ran as a strapline "When Hull is full than Zombies will stalk the Earth

Louise Brooks

A woman comes past wearing a Betty Boop t shirt. I tell her, I think I'm right, that Betty Boop was based on the silent movie star Louise Brooks. I recall reading her autobiography many years ago and she was something of a character. I believe she also popularised the bob hair style.

A man wears a tee shirt with pictures of apes dressed like the Beatles crossing the road on the Abbey Rd album. One of the apes is wearing a white suit. It allows me to go on something of a riff on the Paul is dead story. I mention "Fool on the Hill", the fact that Paul is bare foot and that if you play record back ward you hear John say that Paul is dead. Have I missed anything?

I wonder what attributes make a animal cuddly? Woman has a picture of Polar Beers but no one has a picture of the Giant Sloth and insects are pretty low on the "ah" stakes.

Someone buys Cornish Sea Salt. How does it taste differently than say Devonian Sea salt. I am mystified.

" How much"!!! Yorkshiremen in a London pub

I found an old tenner in the till. It had a picture of Charley Dickens on it. Surprised that it had lasted for so long without being detected.

Woman just got back from Disneyland  and was telling me how expensive it is. I know we were there last year. I still have the shakes when I think of some of the rides I went on with Henry.

Man wearing a tee shirt with a devil printed on it. It would have annoyed the evangelical bag packers of a few weeks ago. I tell him on the Methyr Tydfil riot of 1981 when one of the accused asked a friend to be a character reference. The man arrived in court with a tee shirt which had an explicit reference to a sexual act. The brief told the defendant. "I'm afraid your friend has done for you".

Couple say how much they like Southwold and I have to agree and the presence of the Adnams brewery is a definite plus. We shared fond memories of the "Lord Nelson" right by the brewery.

Man says "How much" when I tell him how much is shopping costs. It reminded me of the joke about how you can tell Yorkshiremen in a London pub

Charlemagne had a squeaky voice

A Wolves supporter and very down. last season made her want to turn to drink. She bought a large bottle of gin. But I, ask her, is the new manager Kenny Jackett the right fit for the club?

One of the old favourites. A West Londoner originally from Hammersmith. She called me a perisher once. She is moving house and the children are helping her out.

Young girl with Harry Potter fixation. I tell her of the trip to the studio. She has done it as well and it is well worth the trip down to Watford. Phoebe managed to open the door to the hall at Hogwarts when we went.

Woman has a border collie/ Labrador cross I would have thought a placid combination but its a sheep killer apparently.

Couple about to visit a relative in Aachen or Aix le Chapelle and home to the Emperor Charlemange. I heard a documentary on radio about him apparently he was very tall and had a squeaky voice

And I remember Spain

I talk to a man about the type of customers I deal with. My favourite types are elderly couples usually from up country and probably isolated. They tend to be Telegraph readers and possibly socially isolated. They shop in the middle of the week and enjoy a chat. The worst tend to be woman in their 40s, professional and Guardian readers who are busy, too busy for you and regard you as insignificant.

Just to prove my point I accidentally double swipe a bottle of champagne and the woman asks me to apologies for wasting her time. Its not helped because we have new security tags and we are not told how to take them off. I am annoyed that she takes this attitude and ignore her.

The Daily Express has yet another article on health it really is a very poor excuse for a newspaper/

We talk about automation and work given my experience with the woman with champagne I feel we ought to have Daleks to exterminate the more truculent customers.

A pleasant woman tells me that she is off to Spain with the kids. I really liked Seville when I was there once. I thought the modern buildings by the river were very interesting and the cathedral- a former mosque- spell binding. A work colleague knew the area of Spain she was going to and they had a good chin wag

Catwoman- an apology

I was under the false impression that Lee Meredith when it was actually Lee Meriweather and I was corrected this morning by the Batman enthusiast I served yesterday.

We have to wear Red, White and Blue for Saturday, it being the Coronation Celebration day as well as something to do with Britain's got talent . I might pin a Revolutionary Cockade to my Opera hat for the day.

Man says that he saw Oscar Pistorious running at the last Olympics possibly the last time he will see that.

Large woman in trackies of which she has no control slipping down exposing me and the shoppers to this large white moon of an arse and she was in the Seasonal Offers aisle as well.

And the best Joker is

The first day back at work for several days after the holiday. It is a beautiful and the charm of the day is broken by some fat young woman in a car with the sound system of her car booming out some hellish jangling probably Ibiza created. It sounded like there was something wrong with her car.

Chatted with a fellow scribbler who writes the boxing column for a local paper pleased as it were as punch by judging a international preliminary fight between someone from Panama and a British fighter. The Latin American won easily.

Someone just returned from North Wales staying at Cricceth where as I remarked Lloyd George had his stamping ground, or is that shagging ground? The woman told me that they were charging £25 for day parking in Abersoch- outrageous!!!

Bloke wearing Joker teeshirt I am wrong in thinking that Frank Gorshin was the joker- he was the Riddler.  He named Caesar Romero as the best and its hard not to concur with that. he also thought Lee Meredith was the best Catwoman and again I agrre with that as well.