Like watching a Noh play

Hold box of soft fruit carefully to scan and tell man. “Have to hold it this way otherwise your plums might drop out” which doesn’t sound right.

Couple complain about the loud music. They have a point. Old guy would prefer Stan Kenton while woman musicals. Suggest Gilbert/Sullivan as compromise

I am doing a talk on Transportation for local history society. Customer thinks it’s a good idea

Child’s toy makes a sound as I scan it. It’s the first time an item has talked back.

People buy Heather if they travel a few miles they can get it for free, if that’s legal

Man spends so much time paying £9.55. He was digging deeply into his purse. “Struck a seam yet” I say.

The man at the till spends so long that it’s fascinating that’s it almost like watching a Noh play

I try a joke on the hill farmer which flies over his head I think that the joke like fire and wheel has only just arrived in the hills

Paranoid

Woman listening to “Black Sabbath” approaches till. “Paranoid”, I say adding I am not casting aspirations on her mental health

She is listening to “Masters of Reality”. Come to the wrong place I fear”

Rant against Daily Mail tho comment about unemployed wearing stars to distinguish them from Community Payback goes over head.

Work colleague agrees with me” All there is are zero contracts jobs”

Turns out she used to work for a clock makers in Longnor which went bust. Time ran out in a real and figurative sense.

Customer moving to Wales.Imagine he could buy a whole row of terraces in Blaneau Gwent for a few quid and have change for a pint and chips.

Man likes the Rudyard piece I wrote and is very congratulatory.

OAP buys Playboy body spray. “ I hope it works out for you I say”

Shut that door!

New collection of novel of B Cartland to be published. I shall lose no time in reading them I told a customer.

Man bought Daily Telegraph its very good for obituaries Barbara Cartland's was a joy a vision in pink I recall it saying

Orca big shopper bought lots of toilet rolls and fly spray. The mind boggles

Shopper complained that a fly was trapped in packet of doughnuts. I released it and  swear  I heard this little cry of " help me"

Unemployment up in West Midlands- worrying. Spoke to Mother at work whose 23 year son is forlornly looking in Stoke- only zero hours jobs the situation is desperate for some people irrespective of what people say

Had another George Formby discussion at work. Next week's lecture will be on Frank Randle. Formby and Randle the yin and yan of South Lancashire music hall- apparently they hated each other

Couple at work. Man said he was a very experienced bag packer. I asked whether he was time served and asked to see his articles- in private. I was having a Ken Dodd moment

Angry when people on "Newsnight" attack young British worker. My experience as worker in supermarket they are as hard working as anyone else.

Man asks me to go at slow pace scanning. I go at waltz pace although threaten to break out in jitterbug if required.

Man buys the following CDs, Avril Lavinge, Sugarbabes, Anderw Sisters, The Killers and George Formby.

Woman from Caverswall History Society gives me booklet on Tichboune case- a Victorian scandal. Apparently a Caverswall connection.

A woman was putting her stuff on the belt as I was speeding it through the till and said that this is just like a game show. This led to a discussion about that son of Nuneaton- Larry Grayson. The customer asked whether he was still alive. I had to break the news gently to her that he was not and was certainly saying " shut that door" every time the celestial gates were opened

Suddenly its 1974

Woman with nyarling kid and the woman is complaining about the child’s crying. I suggest that our school vouchers if rolled up make excellent ear plugs.

Beer called Alhambra I think that its excellent that a beer is named after a mosque

Woman has a leather coat which she bought locally which had a design that suggested that it was made of leaves it looked very effective

I suggest to a man who was struggling with inserting the card into the machine that it was a form of intelligent test and that he had failed

Man says that he can do his own packing. I tell him that its admirable that the spirit of resourcefulness and derring do that made the Empire is still there

Grumpy man with Led Zepplin tee shirt who I saw in the early 70s. he does not engage with me.

Woman with paint splattered hair decorating Mum’s house. She tells me of the colour scheme she is using- it suggests to me a Peruvian brothel.

The music playing over the supermarket speaker is “ Hotel California” you can check out any time you like but you can never leave”- scary.

The next one over the speaker “ Strut your funky stuff”. I doubt it

And the next one up is “ Tiger Feet” all of a sudden its 1974

William McKinley's porch

Woman from Chorley very chatty. I worked there during the 92 Election. Marvellous Mushrooms from Rivington Pike this time of year

Daily Mail has objectionable head line about workless having to work for benefit- What about all those unemployed who have worked for years and paid taxes?

My articles in the P and T are really enjoyed by a couple who send a copy to their daughter in Norwich.

I feel that my till is rather like McKinley’s porch in the 1896 Presidential Election- I can chat to the electorate about my campaign

Group of Doctors having a weekend at a house buy lots and lots of booze- looks like a Lost Weekend then

Tell couple about the elderly chap whose uncle Ivor Hirst managed Volkswagen after the War. The man wearing a Volkswagen camper van tee shirt

Tom Joad- my hero

There is a feather stuck to the side of an egg – a sign of freshness- but man is not interested it could be roughage I suggest.

Couple ask about the Ghost they saw on the moors near Flash they have told and when is it going in the papers? I have written it up.

The Roald Dahl story about murdering someone with a frozen leg of lamb and then eating the murder weapon is recalled. I told shopper the story apparently of Ken Dodd canvassing for the Tories always a danger in L’pool and being felled by leg of lamb

Shopper and I had a good chat about Scotland since her husbands death she missed the wild places. She seems lonely

Interesting chat about Graham Greene a customer was fanatical reader of the novels and also liked Hemingway. He was not a Catholic either

I said that my favourite novel was “Grapes of Wrath (Tom Joad is something of a hero) the customer had visited Steinbeck’s house

Man smashes beer- I know Pete- the bottle falls off belt when I mentioned the Hockney’s and the Christie valuation.

Psst wanna buy any nylons?

Woman wears rather attractive tee shirt showing Swallows. I asked her whether she had a particular interest in birds. “Not really”

Woman tells me that she is not used to opening her purse  much. I wondered if a moth might fly out.

Bill comes to 10.66 and I ask the small boy what happened in 1066. The answer was unexpected- the Battle of Stamford Bridge.

Wonder the boy knew about the Viking who held the bridge until a Saxon pushed a spear through the planks- they don’t like it up em

Chat about marvellous Northern Soul prog and man telling me that his favourite was Arthea Franklin.

Councillor tells me about the latest shenanigans involving the Council and the roads.

 Rude German woman wants me to hurry up and I stop myself from using the word “Blitzkrieg”- its close though.

I swipe the first Stollen of the season.

Man wants to drink Drambuie on top of the Roaches after climbing. I am sure the ghost of Don Whillans would have approved

Handing out school tokens, as we are on a Dad’s Army theme, casts me in the light of Walker “Psst want to buy some nylons?”

LSD and Vampires

A customer recounted her experience on LSD. A tune in drop out although in this case he thought she had turned into a vampire. I used to work with someone who used to drop a tab of acid whilst in the Chiselhurst Caves- a favourite mod hangout in the 60s. He spent hours looking at an orange.

At work yesterday spoke to woman from Montreal. Other woman further down the line misheard " Did she say that she was a Comedian" "No", I responded " a Canadian"

Seems Bin Laden stopped by cops for speeding in Pakistan. I suspect those videos he watched as shot by Navy Seals were old "Top Gear" progs.

At work woman said that she could not get her Lemon Tree to produce fruit. I suggested she play Music to them as suggested by the Prince of Wales. I gather Bach works well on trees.

Told Ann Charlesworth at work  the following anecdote which I read in the Michael Sandel book on " Justice" on the folly of utilitarianism and cost benefit analysis. In the 70s there were complaints that men were staying overnight at St Anne's College, Oxford. The traditionalists were appalled and decided to apply a charge after carrying out a cost/ benefit analysis of the impact of having males staying at the College. They decided to charge men 50p per night with the maximum of 3 nights stay. The Guardian heard about this and ran the headline ST ANNE'S GIRLS 50P A NIGHT!!

Sold a Goblin suet meat pudding which now comes in plastic not in the tin that you used to punch at the top otherwise the thing tended to explode as it was boiled. I wonder what the casualty rate was from the exploding ordinace as metal, suet and hot gravy flew around the kitchen? There might be a monument at the Arboretum for the fallen victims of the Goblin. 

Just a though.

Anglo Hungarian Phrase Book

Discussion on Vegemite an Australian at the till swears by it. I am not so sure.

Woman with Waitrose bag putting all our own brand stuff in the bag. I wonder who she is trying to kid?

Couple who have been Veggies for 40 years. Things are better now in terms of choice pretty dire in the 80s esp around here.

Hungarian woman absolutely charming and a change from all the glum Poles that come past me.

Hungarian told me the word for “thank you sounded like “cusinnog.

On reflection it might be a case of the English/ Hungarian phrase book in reverse.

Man tells me about work in Call Centre on the whole I prefer to work on a till.

Woman buys loaves and fishes- as a trick it’s been done before.

Bloke with Norwegian tee shirt. I try Snakker di Norsk? He does- enjoyable chat

The till breaks down a combination of spilled soda and flour. I am all white a bit like the ghost in L and H short.

Sub editors are bastards!

Woman cannot find fly spray I suggest a rolled up copy of the Daily Express- it has to be good for something

Man keen on Horse racing as I do the shopping I put suggest a racing commentary as the shopping speeds by the Spaghetti won by a short strand

NHS woman just retired and we discuss the countless changes and the way ideas come back again such a GP Fundholding.

A chat in the canteen a colleague bemoans the growth, but surprises me by saying its all a con and people should be able to afford and that it was bad housekeeping and she is one of the Stewards!!

Nice chat with woman at the end who tells about her career as a journalist in the North East. She had a low opinion of sub editors and as for editors it is unrepeatable

Cecilia with the right hook

Woman buys romantic fiction and I notice that the heroine was called Cecilia. The only person I have ever known of that name possessed an excellent right with which she floored an errant boyfriend

Woman buys lots of cakes for her mother who is 94 and born in Glasgow. What a life to have been born in the City as the First World War was ending with all the connatations of Red Clyde and St George's Square.

Talk about home made chutney its the season to make it I am told.

Woman smiles- it does not happen too often. I have said before I am of the opinion about the local " friendliness" is over played and I doubt whether its as friendly as the propaganda makes out. as few actually make the effort. If people were so friendly then they would be cheerfully chatting away to me and as I initiate about 90 % of the conversations I doubt the perceived view is all that correct

The Daily Mail " is not a political paper"- Discuss

Easily the best selling newspaper in the store is the Mail. It out sells the others comfortably with the Sun and Mirror trailing in its wake. I read it as Cathy has the Saturday edition. I was talking to a customer about its popularity and was astounded when he told me that it was not a political paper. I know its not pantomine season yet but felt like saying- O yes it is

Man told me that his ancestor fought in the Sudan trying to save General Gordon. At least he was not on the Mad Mardi's side.

Spoke to man about Music and what we are interested in. I am pretty Catholic in my taste. As one would expect of a middle aged man hip hop is not my style but I might be taken by a Dvorak/ Hip Hop mash up.

I cannot say that I like booze being sold too early. We do have people who buy the stuff very early. It probably offends my Methodist ancestry

A short history of Coffee drinking

I was having a conversation with a woman on the history of Coffee drinking. I gather that it was a goat herdsman who noticed the effect of coffee drinking on his goats in the distant past in Yemen. I ask the woman where the first coffee house was opened( I only know this because I had written an article on the subject) It was Oxford in the 1650s by a coupe of Dutch Jews. Cromwell had allowed Jews back into the country after they had been expelled in the Middle Ages.

A conversation about Jamie Oliver. It is true to say that the general view was that he was right to criticise the TV dinner culture, Certainly Cathy supports his stance and told me of a neighbour in Ellesmere Port who gave her daughter a £1 to buy chips because she could not be arsed to boil potatoes and mash them.

Saw Mr Hartley the former head of Carmountside and what a decent cove he is. I recall the pie eating Rural Science teacher John Proctor and his very shouty sister who also taught in the school. Perhaps she needed to shout?

One of my favourite customers appeared reminiscing about the Hammersmith Palais. She once told me that many Londoners owe their existence to carnal encounters after a hop

Sammy Davies Junior comes to mind

A bloke is wearing a stone which he tells me is a Yin/Yang stone and then goes into a discussion on the terrible circumstances of his life and the death of a girl friend. He fondles the stone and says "This is the Balance of Life". For some reason Sammy Davies Junior and Rhythmn of Life comes to mind.

 Let's hear it for the world's only black. Jewish one eyed entertainer.

My Nat West pen ceases to work- bloody typical- I think.

Interesting chat with couple recently moved here from Norfolk. He was telling me that he knew some old boy who had grafted the Treaty of Versaille. Wondered who that could be? I thought it was AJ Sylvester. Knew Salle in Norfolf perhaps the best Perpendicular church in East Anglia, but many to choose from