On behalf of Planet Earth I thank you

" On behalf of Planet Earth I thank you" was my sally when a woman presented recyclable bags at the checkout. Its a line I have borrowed from Frasier. A program I recall with fondness as does the woman I direct the remark at.

Woman tells me she is involved in a constant battle of wills in order to get her kids to eat greens. One scheme was to puree spinach and tell the kids that it was " pea gravy". It worked.

Cheerful Australian tells me that he has to prepare a talk for the local WI on the settlement of Australia and I thought the original inhabitants got there 60,000 years ago and not 1788.

Local I know has a rather splendid  tee shirt with ways to dispose of a Zombie. I tell him of a poster in Hull which was defaced to change the word "Hell" to "Hull" so the film poster for " Night of the Living Dead" now ran as a strapline "When Hull is full than Zombies will stalk the Earth

Louise Brooks

A woman comes past wearing a Betty Boop t shirt. I tell her, I think I'm right, that Betty Boop was based on the silent movie star Louise Brooks. I recall reading her autobiography many years ago and she was something of a character. I believe she also popularised the bob hair style.

A man wears a tee shirt with pictures of apes dressed like the Beatles crossing the road on the Abbey Rd album. One of the apes is wearing a white suit. It allows me to go on something of a riff on the Paul is dead story. I mention "Fool on the Hill", the fact that Paul is bare foot and that if you play record back ward you hear John say that Paul is dead. Have I missed anything?

I wonder what attributes make a animal cuddly? Woman has a picture of Polar Beers but no one has a picture of the Giant Sloth and insects are pretty low on the "ah" stakes.

Someone buys Cornish Sea Salt. How does it taste differently than say Devonian Sea salt. I am mystified.

" How much"!!! Yorkshiremen in a London pub

I found an old tenner in the till. It had a picture of Charley Dickens on it. Surprised that it had lasted for so long without being detected.

Woman just got back from Disneyland  and was telling me how expensive it is. I know we were there last year. I still have the shakes when I think of some of the rides I went on with Henry.

Man wearing a tee shirt with a devil printed on it. It would have annoyed the evangelical bag packers of a few weeks ago. I tell him on the Methyr Tydfil riot of 1981 when one of the accused asked a friend to be a character reference. The man arrived in court with a tee shirt which had an explicit reference to a sexual act. The brief told the defendant. "I'm afraid your friend has done for you".

Couple say how much they like Southwold and I have to agree and the presence of the Adnams brewery is a definite plus. We shared fond memories of the "Lord Nelson" right by the brewery.

Man says "How much" when I tell him how much is shopping costs. It reminded me of the joke about how you can tell Yorkshiremen in a London pub

Charlemagne had a squeaky voice

A Wolves supporter and very down. last season made her want to turn to drink. She bought a large bottle of gin. But I, ask her, is the new manager Kenny Jackett the right fit for the club?

One of the old favourites. A West Londoner originally from Hammersmith. She called me a perisher once. She is moving house and the children are helping her out.

Young girl with Harry Potter fixation. I tell her of the trip to the studio. She has done it as well and it is well worth the trip down to Watford. Phoebe managed to open the door to the hall at Hogwarts when we went.

Woman has a border collie/ Labrador cross I would have thought a placid combination but its a sheep killer apparently.

Couple about to visit a relative in Aachen or Aix le Chapelle and home to the Emperor Charlemange. I heard a documentary on radio about him apparently he was very tall and had a squeaky voice

And I remember Spain

I talk to a man about the type of customers I deal with. My favourite types are elderly couples usually from up country and probably isolated. They tend to be Telegraph readers and possibly socially isolated. They shop in the middle of the week and enjoy a chat. The worst tend to be woman in their 40s, professional and Guardian readers who are busy, too busy for you and regard you as insignificant.

Just to prove my point I accidentally double swipe a bottle of champagne and the woman asks me to apologies for wasting her time. Its not helped because we have new security tags and we are not told how to take them off. I am annoyed that she takes this attitude and ignore her.

The Daily Express has yet another article on health it really is a very poor excuse for a newspaper/

We talk about automation and work given my experience with the woman with champagne I feel we ought to have Daleks to exterminate the more truculent customers.

A pleasant woman tells me that she is off to Spain with the kids. I really liked Seville when I was there once. I thought the modern buildings by the river were very interesting and the cathedral- a former mosque- spell binding. A work colleague knew the area of Spain she was going to and they had a good chin wag

Catwoman- an apology

I was under the false impression that Lee Meredith when it was actually Lee Meriweather and I was corrected this morning by the Batman enthusiast I served yesterday.

We have to wear Red, White and Blue for Saturday, it being the Coronation Celebration day as well as something to do with Britain's got talent . I might pin a Revolutionary Cockade to my Opera hat for the day.

Man says that he saw Oscar Pistorious running at the last Olympics possibly the last time he will see that.

Large woman in trackies of which she has no control slipping down exposing me and the shoppers to this large white moon of an arse and she was in the Seasonal Offers aisle as well.

And the best Joker is

The first day back at work for several days after the holiday. It is a beautiful and the charm of the day is broken by some fat young woman in a car with the sound system of her car booming out some hellish jangling probably Ibiza created. It sounded like there was something wrong with her car.

Chatted with a fellow scribbler who writes the boxing column for a local paper pleased as it were as punch by judging a international preliminary fight between someone from Panama and a British fighter. The Latin American won easily.

Someone just returned from North Wales staying at Cricceth where as I remarked Lloyd George had his stamping ground, or is that shagging ground? The woman told me that they were charging £25 for day parking in Abersoch- outrageous!!!

Bloke wearing Joker teeshirt I am wrong in thinking that Frank Gorshin was the joker- he was the Riddler.  He named Caesar Romero as the best and its hard not to concur with that. he also thought Lee Meredith was the best Catwoman and again I agrre with that as well.